Real quick, before I start talking about all my talkings, that button on the right with the cartoon domestic lady on it? Click that shit. Thanks, dudes.
And now, back to reality.
Son of a bitch, you guys. All the sons of all the bitches, rolled in a shit burrito with gotdamn sauce. I’m still pregnant. And it still blows. Yes yes yes, I am only 38 weeks, but for eff sake. OUT OF ME. I had planned to be done with this nonsense weeks ago. So, according to my calendar, this baby is late. Every stupid morning that I wake up, alive, I declare that TODAY is THE DAY. And it never is. So, really, this kid is making a fool out of me. Just listen to your mother, fetus. Freaking please.
I was really really sure last week that things were happening. After the false labor, I was convinced that that was the beginning of my body getting ready to make the transition from pregnant to temporarily fat. I went into my OB appointment wondering just how dilated I was going to be, and if I was maybe inducible? “Maybe we are having a baby today!”
Maybe nope, idiot. Maybe nope, you are not.
I am butt-ass terrified of having a c-section. My OB does not seem to be trigger-happy with the scalpel, so I know that if I end up getting one, it will be because I need one. But I don’t want to need one. And what if my doctor isn’t around and I get stuck with some idiot trying to make it to happy hour with his doctor bros? I am super scared of not dilating, and needing a c-section because of it, and having some dingus I have never met slicing my abs open, putting my guts in a bowl, and pulling out my baby.
So, despite my solid conviction that if alternative medicine worked, it would be called “medicine,” I have started doing all the stupid crap the internet tells me to induce my labor. Here is the scorecard.
Pushing That Pressure Point On Your Ankle
Horse. Shit. I watched an episode of True Blood AND an episode of Newsroom with all the force in my body behind my thumb, pressing that point. No dice. None.
Riding a Bike
Granted, I only sat on a bike, and it was in Target. But this was after the ankle-pressing, and after many tries at other things, and no baby. If bikes put you into labor, I should have been able to just say “bike” at that point and had a baby fall out of me.
Eat Fresh Pineapple
I should have been in labor weeks ago. I eat a whole pineapple every few days. Sometimes, I eat a whole pineapple in one day. They are delicious. But they don’t do a damn thing for jumpstarting your labor.
It’ll get a baby in you. It won’t get a baby out of you.
Hang Out With A Bunch of Babies
This was just a guess of mine. I thought that maybe if I played with some babies, and was super obvious about it (“Oh wow, we are having so much fun, babies! Too bad my baby isn’t here yet *cough cough* he is missing out on all these car keys and ice cream!”) that maybe the kid would feel left out and make his way into the world. Nope. My kid is too smart for my passive aggressive behavior.
Eat Spicy Food
This was the best I could do. Whatever.
Go For A Walk
I hate moving right now. But I did it anyway. Where did it get me? Nowhere. Well, technically, to the checkout aisle in Wegman’s. But it took forever and did nothing.
So there you have it. There is no hope. I am going to be pregnant for the rest of my life and there is nothing I can do about it. Gonna go drown my sorrows in macaroni and cheese.