Adam wrote this recently, but he is without blog and this was too good to not share. So I’m posting it for him and also beaming at how talented my husband is. I don’t post a lot of political stuff here, but that’s how good I think this is. Whenever he writes, I bug him about starting his own blog. Please join me in bugging him.
Clerk: Welcome! What can I do for you?
Customer: Saw your ice cream shop here and thought I’d stop in. I’m dying for some ice cream!
Clerk: Well you came to the right place! We have two flavors here today: Make America Great Again, and Stronger Together.
Customer: Never heard of either. What’s in them?
Clerk: Well the Make America Great Again flavor features tax cuts, spending cuts, and deregulation.
Customer: Sounds pretty standard.
Clerk: And also some isolationism.
Customer: Hmm, interesting twist. What about the other one?
Clerk: Well the Stronger Together flavor is pretty similar to last season’s Yes We Can flavor. It contains tax increases on the rich, regulations to slow climate change, increased health insurance coverage, but adds in a few new ingredients like family leave.
Customer: I see. Is there something else you want to tell me about the Stronger Together? You’re giving me kind of a weird look.
Clerk: Well… it’s just… some people REALLY don’t like it, but they have trouble saying exactly why. They kind of have these half-formed reasons.
Customer: Like what?
Clerk: I mean, you saw the ice cream was pink, right?
Clerk: So, nobody comes in here and just says “I don’t like pink ice cream.” But they say things like “the people who pick this ice cream are only doing it because it’s pink.” It’s kinda weird.
Clerk: And then people are always making these complaints that are hard to figure out. Like first they said that the flavors are too meek, and need to be a lot bolder, and then in the next bite they say that the flavor needs to take it down a notch and stop screaming at them in this shrill voice. Metaphorically of course.
Customer: Uh huh.
Clerk: And people always look at the ingredients list and nutrition facts, and they swear that something’s being hidden. Like they don’t care what the sheet says, they swear that one of the ingredients is “take away everyone’s guns.” And they think that some of the stuff that’s listed isn’t really in there.
Customer: And what about the other one? Do people complain about its ingredient list and nutrition facts too?
Clerk: Oh, that one doesn’t come with any of that info. Just this shiny brochure that talks about how great it is.
Customer: So how do you know what’s in it?
Clerk: Well, some of the stuff is in the brochure, and it’s pretty vague, but people mostly just assume that the rest of it is filled with all their favorite ingredients.
Customer: OK. Well, that all sounds very strange, but I’m generally a fan of small government flavors so I think I’ll go with the Make America–
Clerk: –oh wait, one more thing.
Clerk: The Make America Great Again flavor comes with racism.
Customer: Wait, no. I don’t like racism. No toppings for me; I’ll just take it plain.
Clerk: Well it’s not really a topping. It’s mixed in.
Customer: Eh, I guess I can pick it out.
Clerk: Sorry, it’s not like that. It’s pureed into a paste and streaked all through the ice cream. You can’t really eat around it. There’s a ton of it in there.
Customer: Are you sure it’s actual racism?
Clerk: Yeah, like the textbook definition of racism.
Customer: Well that’s a nasty surprise for a hidden ingredient!
Clerk: Oh that one’s not hidden. It’s actually right there in the brochure.
Customer: Oh yeah, I see. It also says there’s misogyny in here?
Clerk: Yeah that’s in there. And it doesn’t say it, but it’s pretty clear that there’s incompetence and corruption too. There’s so much of all that stuff that when you pick that flavor and I hand you the cone, you’re gonna smell it before you even get to give it a chance and take a lick.
Customer: Ew. Why would you put so much racism in your ice cream?
Clerk: The brochure says it keeps the Mexican rapists, violent black criminals, and radical Islamists from stealing and eating your ice cream.
Customer: That… was not really a concern of mine. Uh, I think I want an ice cream without racism or misogyny or any of that stuff in it.
Clerk: Look, I gotta be honest. There’s always a tiny bit of racism and misogyny mixed in to any flavor you eat. I think it sticks to the walls of the ice cream maker. And this flavor has so much racism and misogyny that the smell of it just fills up the whole room and makes everything else more racist and misogynist. Some people like it, and I’ve seen them come around here a lot more since we started offering the flavor. It’s like they smell it emanating from the shop and they come out of the woodwork.
Customer: I’m not sure I want either of these flavors. I heard there were some other flavors?
Clerk: You said you like small government flavors? There’s the True Conservative flavor, but that’s only available in a handful of places. Then there’s the Personal Freedom flavor.
Customer: Oh, I heard about that one, can I get that?
Clerk: Sorry, we don’t actually carry it. I could order a batch, but I’m not going to do that unless I get a significant number of people that say they want it.
Customer: Well I want that, sign me up!
Clerk: Yeah well, it’s like you and five other people. I don’t think that order’s gonna happen. So realistically, if you wanna get ice cream today, you gotta pick one of these two.
Customer: I’m not even sure I want ice cream anymore.
Clerk: That’s fine; you don’t have to buy any. Just don’t complain to me later when you’re feeling hungry. That goes for if you order the stuff we don’t have in stock too.
Customer: Fine. Just give me the Make America Great Again.
Clerk: Got it, you want the one with the racism and misogyny.
Customer: That’s not why I’m getting it! I hate that stuff!
Clerk: Right, but you’re going to eat it anyway right?
Customer: I’m gonna eat it because I like the tax cuts and the other stuff!
Clerk: Right, so you’re taking the one with the racism and everything. You know we have the Stronger Together right here, there’s like 99% less racism in that one.
Customer: But it doesn’t have the tax cuts! And what if the pink stuff takes my guns away?
Clerk: Easy, easy. I understand. You don’t like the racism and the misogyny and all that, but you like tax cuts more than you dislike that stuff.
Customer: Exactly. And the pink stuff just gives me this icky feeling that I can’t explain.
Clerk: No problem, Here you go! Enjoy your ice cream! Oh, and no refunds!